me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
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ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
3% human
97% stress
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.