Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.