No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
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“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I feel this so hard