The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
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witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.