Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
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Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta