I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
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MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
When ur friends with white people
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Why do meteors always land in craters?
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I am, perchance