A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
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[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair