VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
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The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”