In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
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[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?