I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
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I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
thank god the sign was there
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?