TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
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[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
The old gods are rising again.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?