[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
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Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.