My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
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Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
this is uni
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.