Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.