Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
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oh no, steve’s working tonight
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then