When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
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[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
He’s dead
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion