Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
You Might Also Like
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Ape together strong
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.