The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
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Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
sry
🏙👨🏼
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”