[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
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My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Seems kinda suspicious
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.