Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
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Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”