*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
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[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.