My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
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Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.