Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
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JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
how much for the angry fruit?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.