Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
You Might Also Like
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
catch me on valentine’s day like
WHO DID THIS?
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!