The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
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I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
craving $300 all of a sudden
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Sending in my taxes
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Writing, She Murdered.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.