please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
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Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
don’t be scared
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.