[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
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I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates