12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
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very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Just a bush.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
they really do be looking like this
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
gentlemen, hear me out
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet