My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
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Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.