Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
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Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 馃槀
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 馃檮
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we鈥檒l be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn鈥檛 it
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.