Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
You Might Also Like
very niche meme I made
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon