Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.