If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
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Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
What about second breakfast?
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak