Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
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New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I think we should hear other voices.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.