Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
You Might Also Like
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
congratulations to them
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
This why you should mind your business