My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
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Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking