Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
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i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
it is time once again
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.