If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Perfection.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Best table by far
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon