the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.