*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
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Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.