People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.