HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
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Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.