5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
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There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS