a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
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I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Me sliding into hell like
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive