My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
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Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.