I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
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The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
worst…sale…ever
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)