I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
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jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon