Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
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when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?