I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
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In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Duck typos.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW