If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
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1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids